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I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
How does one get a nice body without moving?
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.