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I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
I thought I was a bit hardcore until I saw this guy sucking on a soy sauce packet like an Otter Pop.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.