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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
Was disappointed when I watched the films Shaft, XXX, X-Men, In To Deep, Snatch, The Box, Free Willy. None of them were what I expected...
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
Ive been invited to farmville! Now what to wear...
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car