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They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it