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You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.