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Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.