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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
I see your arguement contains a lot of swear words, you must really know what you`re talking about
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
every woman iz beautuful n her unique way, smtimz it needs sm amount of alcohol to see with
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.