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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.