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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. Then they are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.