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Iām single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
There`s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
Iām not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be boob shaped.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.