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I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?