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I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.
Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.