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Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
hey single people..tomorrow is officially `rebound day` after all the ridiculously high romantic expectations end in `epic fail`
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming