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If you watched a person cut a piece of wood, would that be sawed or seen?
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
So it`s racist to call a team Redskins but it`s okay to call a restaurant Cracker Barrel ?
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
??q? uo p??oq??? ? ?nq i ??i? ?s?? ??? si si??
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?