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If you figure me out I want an explanation.
Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
You think you`re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about