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I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here`s the bad news. You just wasted it reading this post.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.