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My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.