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That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.