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Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
Theirye’re, problem solved.
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
Ride me like you stole me.
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..