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Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
Must be my day for Mis-Advertizing --- I just ate a Bowl of Cheerios ----- and they DIDN`T make me Happy!!!! FML!!! :-P
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
No. My hair magically got shorter.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.