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Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
Happy Monday!! I`m gonna sit this one out.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?