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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.
I’m bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?