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Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
screw flowers, its all about chia pets ;)
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...