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It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
Why do people with the most to say contribute the least?
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.