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Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as the Kraft Singles?
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.