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Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
The secret to success is in my bra.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth`s equator, most of them would drown.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"
Ever wish the choice you made and the “right thing to do” were the same thing?