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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
I won the Twister contest hands-down.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.