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To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.