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that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
One thing`s for sure when I shower with my boyfriend. My titties are spotless!!
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.