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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?