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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???