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I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.