Daily Silly Status

Me putting up with you is your Christmas present.

Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.

The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.

Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.

I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.

Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.

I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.

Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.

People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.

I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...

I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .

Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.

Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..

Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?

Sometimes I think hip hop music gets a bad rap.