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Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
Surly not EVERYBODY was Kung-Foo fighting?
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.