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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!
It`s not stalking if you love them!
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet