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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days..
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.