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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you`re a guy.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
I’m Not Arguing. I’m Simply Explaining Why I’m Right.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude