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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
Sometimes when Iām feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.