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is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.