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At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
My life coach just benched me.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.