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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it!
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit