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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
Thinks that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking, I think.
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.