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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
If you love someone , let them go. If they dont come back, call them up later when your drunk and see wtf is going on.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.