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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.
I was told there would be kool-aid.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.