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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.