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I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
I BRIEFLY had an urge to clean ... but that lasted only 5 minutes .. whew! That was close! Lol
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.