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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
I`m not sarcastic…I`m just intellegent beyond your understanding.