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"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.