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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.
I heard recently on the radio that, "If a man looks at womens breasts for 10 mins a day he will add 5 years to his life".. Can anyone confirm this?!! If so what are we waiting for?