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Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I`m going to hell in every religion!
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.