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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.