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Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I`m a 10.
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
Im thinking, The best part about sitting down at the computer for a minute and making a status message like this is that by the time you`ve finished reading it and taking a minute out of your day you`ll have a brand sense of enlightenment and awareness that you never had before once you realize that there is absolutely no point to this post whatsoever.
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.