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I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
I saw that! - Karma
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.