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If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate, it is not me. I believe I`ve been hacked.
I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.