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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......