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I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
Decisions decisions ... Guess I`ll drink on it.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
If you’re so much better than the leading brand then why are you not the leading brand?
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.