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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
some people just need a hug...around the neck...with a rope!!
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
Of course I plan to seize the day ... Eventually.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”