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Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm