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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do...
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?