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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.