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I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.