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Most problems can be solved with nudity
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.