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I don`t have any "driving the speed limit" music.
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO