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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
dear journal..im now the coolest kid in school....mom:SWEETIE THE CHESSCLUB IS HERE 4 U!!!
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.