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Being rich doesn`t equal happiness but i`d rather cry in a ferrari
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
Damn…I’m having an out of money experience.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.