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The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
The naughty me makes the nice me giggle.
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
Own the day
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.